wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
won’t smith
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.