WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*exercises sarcastically*
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time