Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.