I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
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My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
This headline is a thing of beauty
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf