WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
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Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
wtf is an acronym
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
black phone good
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ