EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
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The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?