Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.