Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
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Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
how it started vs how it ended
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.