Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
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Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.