Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
NOT all policemen are strippers.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Nice try, poison.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.