WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
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*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.