Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“We will wed,” I threatened
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.