Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.