Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I think about this a lot
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.