wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Sign of the day..
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.