Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.