Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
What do you hear?
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk