wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
as is their right
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?