Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best