me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
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If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Morning.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
hey, alexa
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Most fashion shows these days…
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*