Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
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Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
#Caturday
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I’m confused about plants
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti