WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
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*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Raisins are grape jerky.
this is 10/10 content no notes
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.