Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
monday
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
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The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.