wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body