[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.