Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*