Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
My work here is don’t.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”