Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”