WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Mountain Goat : )
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends