WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
starting a garage orchestra
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge