@GrantTanaka: Wife just found out my ring tone for her is "ding dong the witch is dead" so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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@reczit: Help is a magic word. Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
@StoferComic: A picture's worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post.
@NicestHippo: [girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!