@GrantTanaka: Wife just found out my ring tone for her is "ding dong the witch is dead" so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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@flashember: [writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my "Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords" memoir BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
@DraggingFeeties: All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
@coryrichardson_: cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar me: i don't have any money cashier: then put it back me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us
@Fred_Delicious: *knock at the door* "H...hello?" "Hi, i'm not a mouse" "Phew, that's good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH