Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.