Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
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I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.