I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
an airline just for babies.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
How high do the levels go?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.