WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah