Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
You Might Also Like
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS