wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
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me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…