[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
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i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
The happy life.. 😊
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.