wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
How can I say no to this ?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does