Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
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Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
We found love in a hopeless place.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse