WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.