I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
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i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’m giving up ice.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?