Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Just a friendly reminder!
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road