I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
felt that
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis