wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.