Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
You Might Also Like
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
what day is it?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?