I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning