Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
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Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
😆this is so true
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit