Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.