Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
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How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
When they try to steal your moment.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.