Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one